The saga of the staff
3 - "Resident Evil is a girls best friend"
“Just put your foot on
the accelerator, stoopid!!!” Shouted Mikey, thinking it should be him in
the drivers seat.
Faz put his foot down, and the car sped forward at an incredible rate… but not before being caught in a wheel spin.
The car zoomed down the
seemingly straight road, Faz smiling smugly to himself. He looked back at
“See! I knew I could
drive this thing!” Boasted Faz. Mikey pulled a face at him, and crossed
his arms, still jealous he wasn’t driving.
Andrew smiled and looked
out of the front window.
“SHIT! FAZ! BRAKE!!!”
Screamed Andy as he spotted a barrier up ahead.
Faz turned to see the same thing, and slammed his foot down on the brake. However, they seemed to be too close to stop in time. The three of them covered their faces, and braced for the impact… However, instead of slamming into a barrier, the trio fell onto the ground. They got up and looked around cautiously.
They had transported
again… this time they seemed to be in a very posh reception area. There
were stairs leading up to a balcony-type area to their right, and a
reception desk was in front of them. To the left were two doors, and
behind them were some steps leading up to what seemed to be the way into
“We’re in CODE:
Veronica!!!” Said Andy, very excited.
The three of them looked
at each other, to see what character they were now. Mikey and Andy simply
burst out laughing when they saw that Faz, again, was a woman! Faz looked
down at himself. He was wearing jeans, a very tight black top with a red
leathery sleeveless jacket on.
“Oh, how hilarious! Faz is a woman again! Lets all laugh!!!” Said Faz, not amused in the slightest.
“But… you’re Claire Redfield!” Said Mikey, giggling.
“Well, you’re Steve Burnside!!!” Faz retorted, a grin on his face.
“Oh boll…” Mikey was cut off by Andy…
“WOOHOO!!! I’m Chris Redfield!!!!” Shouted Andy.
“I take it you like Chris then…” Said Faz, smiling.
“You betcha!” Andy
Mikey began to walk over
to the stairs. Suddenly, he heard a door open from upstairs!
“Someone’s coming!” Mikey whispered to the others.
“That’ll be Alfred
Ashford! Quick… hide!!!” Whispered Andy.
All three hid behind the
same column, and heard Alfred begin to descend the stairs…
“Ahhh… I see you made it this far!” Said Alfred.
“That’s not what he says in the game!!!” Whispered Andy confused.
“Well, in the game, there was only Claire in this scene. Maybe that’s what’s changed things!” Whispered Faz.
“You’re with S.T.A.R.S., aren’t you? You’re here to shut down my base! HA! That will never happen!” Bellowed Alfred in his camp voice.
“Actually, Mr. Ashford, I think you’ll find that I am the only member of S.T.A.R.S. present!” Shouted Andrew, very proud of that fact for some reason.
“He really likes
Chris Redfield!” Whispered Faz to Mikey, smiling.
Alfred Ashford stopped in
his tracks and raised his gun, aiming at the pillar the trio were stood
“Well, no matter! Looks
like I have all three of you right where I want you!” Proclaimed
Ashford, holding his aim as steady as possible.
Andy stood there,
thinking of a way to get out of this predicament…
“Faz… I have an idea.” Andy blurted out suddenly.
“Oh! What? Anything!” Said Faz, eager to hear. Mikey listened in too.
“Well, I believe Mr.
Ashford here may have a bit of a soft spot for you, Claire… I mean,
Faz!” Whispered Andy.
Mikey tried hard to
stifle a laugh, as he knew it could trigger Alfred off.
“What??? You want me to seduce Alfred Ashford? The cross-dressing freak???” Raged Faz, as quietly as possible.
“Well, turn on all your ‘feminine’ charms and attempt to divert his attention while we disable him… or at least escape!” Said Andrew, putting his hand on Faz’s shoulder.
“Sounds good to me!”
Mikey joined in.
Faz stood for a second,
the task not quite stuck in his mind yet. He took a deep breath, and
“Oh Mister Ashford, you
big hunk of man, you!”
Andy and Mikey nearly
burst out laughing.
“What is it, Claire Redfield?” Asked Alfred.
“How would you like
some good loving from little old me?” Asked Faz, pulling a disgusted
All fell silent for a
second. Then Alfred spoke again.
“I… well… approach me slowly!” Demanded Alfred.
“Walk like a woman!”
Whispered Mikey, as Faz prepared to step out.
Faz turned and stuck his
tongue out at Mikey and then walked out from behind the pillar, trying to
walk as much like a lady as possible.
“Oh… Mister Ashford!
Hows you doing man?” Asked Faz in the most feminine voice available to
Andy and Mikey slapped
their hands on their foreheads at what Faz had just said and rolled their
“I’m fine Miss Redfield, but I’m afraid that I will have to detain your friends. You, on the other hand, may come with me… to my boudoir!” Said Alfred, stepping down the stairs. “Stay right there Miss Redfield! I will take these two and lock them up!”
“What a great plan,
Andy!” Whispered Mikey.
Alfred escorted Andy and Mikey all the way to the prison cell that Claire Redfield had begun the game in. Once he had locked them up in there and kicked Rodrigo a couple of times, he took Faz back to the palace.
Alfred led Faz through
the secret passage in his office and through to the house on the hill
behind the palace itself. He took Faz up the stairs in the mansion and
into his room where he made sure to lock the door behind him.
‘Oh great… what a brilliant plan this is turning out to be…” Thought Faz to himself.
Meanwhile, Andy and Mikey
sat in the dark, damp prison cell. Andy looked over at Rodrigo who seemed
to be sleeping in the chair. He then looked back at Mikey who was
twiddling his thumbs.
“Okay! I admit it! It wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had…” Said Andrew, looking down at the floor now.
“Well, at least it
wasn’t as bad as people taking the online play out of supposedly online
games in Europe! I mean… Half-Life, Daytona… and now bloody Unreal
Tournament! WHY???” Shouted Mikey, getting very mad. He began to weep.
Andrew patted Mikey on
“There, there. Don’t
cry Mikey!” Said Andrew, as he looked over at Rodrigo.
Suddenly, a bright light
shone from over where Rodrigo was sat… and when it had diminished, the
guy was sat upright in the chair, his face changed from that of a man from
Latino origin to a man of European origin!
“Huh? What am I doing
here???” Asked Rodrigo.
The guy looked over at
Andy and Mikey sat in the cell and his eyes opened widely.
“I’m in CODE: Veronica!!!” Shouted the man.
“Who are you???” Asked Mikey, wiping tears from his eyes.
“I’m Sam. Sam
Smith!” Said the man.
Andy and Mikey looked at
each other and smiled…
YOU CATCH NEXT MONTHS COLUMN TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS AMAZING TALE
OF HEROISM AND… OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?!
IN NEXT TIME FOLKS TO FIND OUT WHY SAM GOT SUCKED INTO CODE: VERONICA!!!
ALFRED HAVE HIS WICKED WAY WITH FAZ??? (NOT IF FAZ CAN HELP IT!)
EVER COME UP WITH A ‘GOOD’ PLAN?
MIKEY EVER NOT KNOW THE LATEST NEWS???
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